Dr. Friendship

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The Zero Degrees Of Friendship
or
No, I’m Not A Real Doctor
or
How I Became Dr. Friendship

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Some people have labeled me a 'friendship addict.' These people are my therapists. According to my file, which recently fell off her desk and into my lap while my latest shrink napped, professionals refer to my condition as "Who Knows?" The layman's term escapes me at the moment.

Over the years many, many shrinks dug deep into my pocketbook to uncover the source of "this lunatics obsession with friendship." It’s hard to believe that in spite of all the searching the source was never found, like Bigfoot.

In any event, my obsession dates back to the late 1960's. When everyone was distracted by global unrest I chose to lose sleep over why my best friends Vera and Marilyn would pass me in the halls without a flicker of recognition and then not even save me a seat at lunch.

Like any normal teenager, I kept this from my mother who would often catch me in my room sobbing. Alarmed, she'd quickly offer me a tissue and say, "Don't wipe your nose on the bedspread."

She would never leave my room until she was satisfied that I was feeling better. She'd stand over my body limp from crying, a ragdoll on my bed and generously give me a life lesson. She even risked her freshly polished nails to emphasis the lesson. Always a hoot, that woman, she called it "a good poking to."

Stop (poke) your stupid (poke) hysterics (poke) and concentrate on what's important...your home - (poke) work. (poke-poke) After she was done massaging my back she would lean in close to me and remind me that she was my best friend. Instinctively, I knew I needed to branch out.

My friendship findings are well documented in my diaries, years 1965, '66, '67 and in 1968 until June of that year when I graduated from high school, lost that diary and lost track of Vera and Marilyn, too. The handwriting, punctuated by little frown faces was on the wall, so to speak, that I would one day share my friendship scribblings with the world.

As you may have guessed, my favorite subject in high school was friendship. Unfortunately, they didn't teach it in public school much the same as religion and how to get those little knots out of your necklace after you carelessly throw it in your top drawer figuring you'll worry about it next time you want to wear it.

The strict school curriculum didn't allow time for questions that I wanted answers to. In Social Studies when we were studying the Declaration Of Independence no one seemed to care whether Benjamin Franklin was annoyed when his friend John Hancock vetoed 'Put your Benjamin Franklin right here next to the X.' John Hancock took all the credit for himself. This had to put a damper on their friendship.

And, when Thomas Jefferson, part of their crowd, sided with Hancock, did he do it out of sympathy for John knowing that John Hancock would be known for nothing else but his signature? His pal Ben would go on to do bigger things, anyway?

These and other historical friendship loyalties and/or betrayals are what I showed up at school for. I certainly didn't need to be there to be humiliated by my best friends in the halls.

It is only natural that when it came time for higher learning I began an independent study on the history of friendship. My unfulfilled expectations of high school and low SAT scores left me little choice.

My calling to take the road less traveled was shared by an unknown poet, who I affectionately call U.P. She wrote the following inspiring ditty:

Where there is a lack,
Don't hold back
Pick up the slack
Before you make a track
Have a snack
Maybe, a tic tack.

It is with great pride and 'in your face' to the countless teachers who refused to sign my yearbook (and Miss Robbins who rudely signed my yearbook, "Good riddens!") that after 30 years of research I have finally completed my study of friendship that they should have taught me in the first place. My only regret is that the majority of them are most likely dead by now.

The point is I found my own 40 friendship facts and I found peace. If you're like me you will challenge me. That's okay. I welcome that. After all, I'm not a real doctor. I don't have all that invested. True, my research did take 30 years, 30 years hanging out with my friends, but that's still a lot less stressful than doing an actual residency.

The birth of Dr. Friendship Points Stuff Out is not due even a teeny bit to what I learned in therapy. In a nutshell, therapists should just mind their own business. I can't count the number of times I was told that before I can be someone else’s friend I must be my own best friend. I finally saw that they were wrong, wrong, wrong. The truth is if you're your own best friend you need to get out more.

After that epiphany I was free, free, free to dissect how friendship works. The great journalist and terrific dresser, Diane Sawyer said, "There's no substitute for paying attention." She is right, right, right. On the other hand, my tape recorder worked just fine. Paying attention to my friendship experiences gave me a wealth of information that enabled me to write a book. I am happy to share this wealth with you, but not in actual cash form. If it's money you're after write your own book.

If you decide to read Dr. Friendship Points Stuff Out I'd like for you to think of me as your best friend because I'm telling you the truth about how friendship works. Some say there are many truths, not just one. I never quite got that. That whole your reality vrs. her reality is just not in my reality.

The real truth is that friendship is 20% slapping five together and 80% wondering why we became friends in the first place. It's like putting up with Weight Watchers all week toravage a Hostess Cup Cake on the weekend.

On Monday we convince ourselves we love carrots just like we talk ourselves into still loving our best friend who expects us to drive her to the airport during rush hour. We make gooey testimonials about kindred spirits and support systems. Sure, they exist. They are the miracles of life with a hitch, like sextuplets who will never go out to dinner as a family...Okay, maybe, for ice-cream, but they'll have to take two cars.

The 40 facts I offer you peel the sugar coat off and reveal the truth about friendship. Hey, I'm your best friend. Would I lie to you?