Dr. Friendship

// JavaScript Document

Favorite Letters

Click here to email this page to a friend.

Dear Dr. Friendship,

Lately I’ve begun to suspect my friend Sheri is a kleptomaniac. At first, I thought she was just extremely helpful, until I realized that every time she cleared the table I lost another cake fork.

I know she can’t help herself, but even so I am running out of knicknacks.

Should I say something to her, or should I wait to catch her in the act?

My husband says we should just not invite her over, but that’s how he deals with everything. He puts his head in the sand.I want to continue our friendship and I want to help her.

Signed,
Victim and friend of Klepto

Dear Victim,

I commend you for wanting to help your friend. Your husband sounds like a wimp, but that’s another story.

Here is the World’s Book Dictionary’s definition of ’kleptomania’ - "an abnormal, irresistible desire to steal, especially things which one does not need or cannot use, or objects of symbolic rather than economic value."

From this we learn that Sheri has no use for 73 cake forks. Apparently, they symbolize something to her. I suggest you initiate a conversation with Sheri about cake forks. During dessert would be a good time.

Because they rhyme Sheri may have confused ’fork’ with ’ ’pork.’ If that’s the case, she may be having sexual problems. Either that, or she grew up in a kosher home where she was never allowed pork chops.

Since a cake fork is really a smaller version of a regular fork, possibly she feels inadequate about her breast size. My guess is she is less than a ‘B’ cup because your husband doesn’t want her around. If he’s like most men, he would tolerate losing a knicknack if she had "C" or better knockers to stare at.

Get Sheri to open up. Let her know you care and do not judge her. And, if all else fails, frisk her on the way out.

Everyone’s best friend,
Dr. Friendship

Dear Dr. Friendship,

I was in a stall in a public ladies room doing my thing and I heard two of my ‘friends’ talking about me. I couldn’t believe it! What they were saying wasn’t very nice.

I wanted to jump out and embarrass them, but I hid like a thief in the stall until they left. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I feel like I’m going to find out something terrible.

Should I say something?

Signed,
Nervous In Bathroom

Dear Nervous,

The bad news is you can’t avoid going to the bathroom. The good news is that feeling will pass, as most things do in the bathroom. You can help that process along by visualizing these anxious feelings and flushing them down the toilet. Soon, they will be eliminated.

Of course, you still have your rat friends to deal with. You don’t mention what they were saying. If they were planning your murder, you might consider calling the police.

Remember to make real sure they are the real police and not thugs who are in on it dressed up like the police. I’m going to assume here this is not the case.

Take this as an opportunity to play with your friend’s heads. If they were saying that you are obnoxious because you think you know everything, start asking them a lot of questions.

Possibly, they said you dress like a washerwoman. Next time you see them, accessorize with a bucket and mop. It they said you were fat, tell them you’re feeling a little faint, probably because you eat like a bird.

Never pass up the chance to have fun with your friends. After all, that’s what friends are for.

Everyone’s best friend,
Dr. Friendship

Dear Dr. Friendship,

Every year my best friend Judy, and I exchange Valentine Day cards. For weeks afterwards, my husband keeps making sarcastic remarks like, "I don’t know about you two..."

I act coy and say, "You never know..." but the card is just a symbol of friendship and my husband is beginning to get on my nerves.

Please explain to him and all the other men out there that Valentine’s Day is not just for lovers.

Signed,
Straight Women Send Cards, Too

Dear Straight,

It is my pleasure to set men straight about straight women. Here goes, Guys, straight women are not acting out their latent homosexual tendencies when they hug, kiss or send each other a Valentine’s Day card.

They go to the store to buy their man a card knowing at best he will skim it. Deflated, they are drawn to also buy "To a special friend," knowing she will cherish it.

A Valentine’s Day card to a woman from her woman friend is a thank you note for the listening, caring, sharing and laughing they did together all year.

Men don’t send each other Valentine’s Day cards because aside from the laughing they don’t do much of the other things. What could it say?‘I had a really great time sharing those ribs and burping beer at the game...be my valentine."

To be fair, Straight, occasionally a straight woman may receive a valentine from her matron of honor who really wants to be her best man. Tell-tale signs: She has your picture in her heart shaped locket; she names her new puppy your name and she doesn’t mind missing her plane to pick up your dry cleaning.

Everyone’s best friend,
Dr. Friendship

Dear Dr, Friendship,

My husband and I have been friends with Sandra and Alan for more than 20 years. If we met them today we would never be friends. We get together for old times sake, but they are constantly calling.

We want to cool it, but we don’t know how.

Signed,
Old Times’ Sake Doesn’t Walk The Dog

Dear Old,

For readers who may be saying, ‘What dog?" it’s just an expression, like "cut the mustard."

It’s hard to know when to toss someone in the old Helfty bag. I look at it like cleaning my closet. If my sweater I call Janet and it’s matching pants Steve have not called my husband Frankie and me in more than two seasons, the chances are they won’t and if they did, they probably wouldn’t fit us anymore.

Now, maybe the Janet and Steve was a great outfit, but we simply got into the habit of putting on the Beverly and Bob blazer or the trendy Allison and Jared palazzo pants and short top. Possibly, we don’t have an occasion for the Janet and Steve, but it would be a shame to give them to Goodwill.

"A good classic outfit always lasts and withstands fads" my mother used to say.

She might have been right for once. As predictable and boring as old friends are, at least we can doze off while they are repeating themselves without them being offended or noticing.

"Old times’ sake does walk the dog. After years of Sunday afternoon barbecues, Friday night card games and shared vacations, Sandra and Alan will dance at your daughter’s wedding and everyone will say, "They’re just like family." And, just like family, you wouldn’t choose them today, but they’ve earned a place in your lives and fit in nicely at the cousin’s table.

Everyone’s best friend,
Dr. Friendship

Dear Everyone,

Write me a letter. I'll be sure to answer Everyone’s best friend,

Dr. Friendship drfriendship@drfriendship.com